July 1, 2013 | Connectedness
The month of July always starts off with a bang, as Americans celebrate the anniversary of our nation’s founders having declared our independence from Britain all those years ago. The word “independence” comes up in nearly every conversation that I have with a family, as a professional geriatric care manager. Many of the phone calls and e-mails that we receive from concerned caregivers center around the dilemma of independence: wanting to allow an aging or disabled loved one to retain as much independence as possible, while ensuring their health, safety, and well-being. Sometimes we talk about independence as a living arrangement: “My grandmother is 95 years old, and still lives alone in her own home.” Other times we talk about it as a feature of one’s personality: “My father would never ask for help with anything.” Families frequently see what they describe as “independence” as an obstacle to connecting their loved one with the resources and supports that they need.
As deeply as I understand this dilemma, I often challenge families to re-frame their thinking around the concept of independence. A person who lives alone in a private home without the assistance of a caregiver is not necessarily independent. A person who prefers solitude to socialization is not necessarily independent. And a person who has difficulty asking for – or accepting – help from others, is also not necessarily independent. It is a rare human being who could actually be considered “independent,” contrary to our popular myths about ourselves as Americans. Throughout our lives, we rely upon others – our families, the other members of our economy, and society at large – to help us meet most of our basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. We are, in reality, entirely interdependent upon one another, and this does not change as we age. The ways in which we rely upon those around us certainly change, but the fact of our needing their assistance does not. By shifting the way that we think and talk about dependence, I believe that we can begin to break down the emotional barriers to the giving and receiving of help.